The Raw Truth of Now

I don't feel like I can say this outloud. These thoughts are raw, and true, and I'm hesitant to put this out there. And yet, it is what comes to mind each time I ponder what to write.

Some of you are going to wonder what took me so long to get here. Some of you may not be able to relate. Here it goes...

This is hard!

[large exhale]

Being a teacher, who is working from home, while my child is going to school at home - is hard. And it is mostly the parenting part.

I think the work part helps. It gives me something to do that is focused outside of these walls. There is so much to do that the days zoom by. (Did you see what I did there?)

And then there is this other layer, the part where I have a fantastic life partner who also parents, but they don't do it during the day, every. single. day. For the past nine months, they have gone to their office to work. The office that is 30 minutes from here. The office that doesn't have any parenting.

Yes, they do parenting and household chores and all the things you would want, when they are here. Which isn't all day, for 5/7 of each week.

There it is. I've said it. This raw truth I am living and I am not sure how to feel about it.

She's Growing Up (9/31)

9 of 31 - SOLSC 2019

"Would you like a snuggle?" I have no idea where the tears well up from, I ask before they can overflow.

She follows me to the living room where I sit on the couch. Every snuggle we have had since she was big enough to crawl onto my lap herself have been the same; I sit. She crawls/climbs on facing me with one leg on either side of me and leans in.

Not tonight.

As she curls up next to me, waiting for my arms to envelope her and my soothing to take effect, I pause.

This is the moment it all changes. Those moments were before and this is what will be - truly no longer a little girl.

It was a hard moment to swallow, but swallow I did as this wasn't about me. Everything else about the snuggle was the same, including the results and soon we were laughing and back into the kitchen to clean up from dinner.

***

Her door handle began to turn and I looked up from my morning reading to see her, eyes still sleepy, emerge from her room. 

"Would you like a snuggle?" I asked, before I realized what I was saying and how this would probably play out.

Wordlessly she climbed up on my lap, legs on either side, and leaned into me.

Planning for the Future - A Daughter Edition (8/31)

8 of 31 - SOLSC 2019

"ASA Sign Ups This Week" shows up in my inbox. I read through the offerings for the final round of After School Activities at my daughter's school and try to predict what she is going to want to sign up for. (This is a game I play to amuse myself.)

"Once your jobs are finished I would like to talk with you about the last round of ASAs," I announce as she enters the kitchen with her lunch box.

She perches on a stool across from me, eating mangoes and homemade yogurt while I go through the options for her grade level. This round she can pick two. I had guessed four possibilities and there were four she was excited about, but only three of the selections overlapped.

"Will you read me the description for French?" she asked.

U-11 Basketball and Drama are her first two choices. (#momnailedit) If one of those is full she decides on French.

"French instead of Crochet Club? You keep trying to figure out how to crochet." 

"French would be hard to learn. If I know English, Arabic, and French it will be better for getting into college." says my FOURTH GRADER!

What?! Keep the grin off your face. Realize she is expecting a response. What to say? What to say?

"Oh, so you think you're going to college?!" (#momsarcasm)

Eye-roll with a slight shake of the head from the nine year old.

At least our expectations are clear, I think to myself.

Parenting Debrief (5/31)

5 of 31 - SOLSC 2019

 

I'll say it again, this parenting thing ain't easy!

"So what do you think we should do differently next time?" I ask having closed the kitchen door. This was also after I returned from a short trip to the neighbor's house, which I took in order to depart from the escapade that had unfolded after dinner.

"I think you started it off really well."

I agreed with my husband on this point. I knew she was going to melt down thinking that Daddy's observation was anger and had worked to quickly translate so they could hear one another.

"But where did it go wrong?"

Neither of us could pinpoint the moment it had imploded, but we did come up with a game plan for the inevitable 'next time' before emerging from the kitchen. Let's hope we remember the play before the next debrief.